Twenty Years Sober
Last time I had a gin and tonic was April 15, 2004.
And to be truthful, I had more than one of them that night. Quite likely I also had more gin without the tonic.
The basic point of all of this is that as of April 15 I will be 20 years sober. I had not fully appreciated how dependent I was on alcohol before then, but a lifetime of trying to figure out how to deal with generalized anxiety as well as what had been – at the time – a very difficult work situation led me to a place where I was in crisis.
I was in my mid 30s, all of the stresses of life were weighing on my head, and I had never learned how to deal with them. So, I chose what my body was already well set for – seeking some form of escape, a temporary oblivion, where I would not have to think or emotionally deal with any of the things going on around me.
I want to point out that in fact there were a lot of good things that were happening around me at the same time. In fact, mostly they were good things! However, my brain/body is also naturally wired to worry about everything all the time and does not know how to shut off. And without knowing how to handle that, the only thing that I could do was seek a way to tell that part of my brain to shut up. Alcohol worked.
Kind of.
I am incredibly thankful to the people around me who helped me to recognize that I am in fact an alcoholic, and to help me to be accountable to myself and to being present in my own life.
I am incredibly thankful to have actually been able to access more of my life – the good and the bad – for these past 20 years. It has been an incredible ride, and I’d like to think I have grown a lot. I have loved being able to really be with all of you, to listen to all of you, and to actually be here for my family, for my kids, for my friends….
No, it’s not an easy road. I don’t get the urge to drink, but I do still get the Scaries on a fairly regular basis. I have figured out my own ways to either live with them or work through them (some times more successfully than others). If you ever want to talk with somebody who’s been down this road, I am here.
And I am very, very thankful to actually be here.
-Chris
My dad struggled with an alcohol dependency for most of his life and never found a way to overcome it even when it led to the degradation of his mind and body.
Seeing how much he struggled to overcome its grip on him I can recognise just how massive an achievement the past two decades are for you. Wishing you all the best in everything life throws at you from here!
Thanks so much, Chris – And I know that’s a hard memory. I’ve lost family members to this as well (one of the reasons that I finally scared myself into changing). And I do hope your dad left you with as many warm memories as possible. If you’ll take it, a hug to you from over here.