Played my 12th open mic last night since getting back to the stage. I am incredibly happy for the opportunity to perform my songs and for the support from the community of musicians around me as well as from Jen (without whom I don’t know I’d be able to do this).
Still, I get frustrated. I’m not where I want to be as a performer. Last night for example it got late into the evening, and it was cold and wet outside. I fumbled my pick and then dropped it outright during the 3 song set. I also premiered a new song that I messed up right at the end (just after the emotional crescendo of the break).
So, I’m not meeting my own standard of perfect every time. I’m not in a place where someone is going to be handing me a record deal right as I get away from the microphone.
But I do get compliments on the songs themselves, and that means so much to me. And I also feel so much more certain of myself each time I walk up to the mic. At the beginning I was a nervous wreck, uncertain whether I’d be physically able to play. Now I have the freedom to try to think through how I want to play – where and how to bring the emotional content.
I know one simple solution is to just play out more, and now that I am off the road for a little bit I will try to do that (folks, look for me around Newton!). I plan to pick more from the 12 songs I’ve already been playing live to make them more solid and better performances. I’m working towards being able to do my own set, so that’s the next step.
Please come on out and see me play sometime. I’d love to share this music with you, and I’ll do my best to give you a good show.